I envy the faces who see you everyday
The ears who hear your voice
The sheets you lay upon every night
for they get to touch every part of you
I’m jealous of the same moon we both see
for it knows your 4am secrets, as I know none
Every night I lay alone in my bed
I toss and turn in hope to find your body
I need the comfort of you being near
You ease my mind when you’re around
Only a little bit longer is what I always say
Only a little bit longer…
My little rant.
Okay, so I honestly feel like he hasn’t cheated on me. The most he done was maybe say things to her I wouldn’t like over text. But really, he is all talk. When we were broke up he prove that what he says while texting his just how he manipulates people. Or they may have even kissed, which I could forgive. But, she is trying way too hard to try to convince everyone this happened. She’s giving so many details that honestly don’t add up. The story keeps changing. She said he snuck out and walked to her house almost every night. I slept over at his Mom’s with him the three weeks leading to him going to boot camp. We slept in the same bed even, he was the one who wanted me to sleep over even. So, I doubt he snuck out if I was there and when he was the one who wanted me there.
Then, she has been proven a liar before. She swore she wasn’t after him, she told me this and several people. If they cheated, then she lied. If he didn’t cheat, then obviously she is lying once again. She can’t be trusted. When he does cheat, he’s not one to not say anything. He always tells the person he is in a relationship with or his best friend as well. He never told me or his best friend, and yet he’s talking about marriage to me. He would definitely told me if he did I think.
She are just ranting thoughts of mine. People keep bringing it up to me and I don’t want to hear it. I trust him. Don’t they say in court, innocent till proven guilty? I am going by that rule, because he’s not even here to defend himself. Accusing people is not fair and I’ve done that far too many times. It sucks being accused for something you haven’t done and your significant other not trusting you. Been there, done that. SO I will stick with my thoughts as of now.
That is all.
I hate you, you are a fucking cunt. That is all.
Here’s a fun fact for all of you guys about me: When I am sick, usually with allergies, I chew on toilet paper. Clean of course. But I like to chew on it and then I spit it out after so long. Yes, I am an odd one.
I find myself hoping for odd things. I yearn for certain things that I never imagined. This may just be cause I haven’t been feeling well lately, or I’ve been going through a hard week or so now. Hopefully this will all pass. I just hope time starts flying by for me.
I don’t know what to think or feel. I have so many emotions and thoughts. I am getting better and I am beyond happy. There’s just so many things I don’t know yet and it is killing me. Hopefully everything will be figured out soon. Maybe I’ll just burst or just vent everything out of my system. For now though, I will be happy and not think about anything pointless. I will think of what I have here and now what my mind can conjure up.
You ever feel like you know a person, but then they prove you wrong. Well, this has happened to me before. I met a guy at church camp about three years ago. After church camp I didn’t really talk to him again till after a year or so. He lived only about fifteen minutes from my house, so we became friends. We texted all the time for a few weeks. I trusted him with secrets and he seemed to actually care. Well, one day I decided I would go over there and hang out.
I got there around eight, the sun had just set. We were just going to watch a movie and then I was going to leave. As I got there, his Mom was walking over to their uncle’s who lived next door. I didn’t think anything of it. This boy I had met at church camp and been good friends with for a month or so, what could go wrong?
We walked in his house and went to his room. He had on some stupid movie that was similiar to American Pie. All these red flags that I had paid no attention to, shows you how easily I trust people. Not two seconds after sitting on his bed, he kissed me. It wasn’t sweet or anything. It was slobbery and quite disgusting, I hadn’t even wanted to kiss him. It took me by surprise and just laughed it off. We laid down and watched some movie I don’t remeber exactly.
After the movie had ended, I was getting up to leave and he begged me to stay. Sound familiar? I had given in and said I would stay. We just sat and talked for about thirty minutes and I started getting uncomfortable. He was getting more intimate and touching me more. It started off as brushing against my arm, to playing with my hand, to rubbing my leg. It was starting to cross the line and I kept pushing his hand off my thigh. He would laugh about it and start doing it again not a minute later.
Next thing I know he’s on top of me kissing me. It had taken me by such surprise that I couldn’t do anything. I tried pushing against him, but he played football in high school and was a good 200 pounds at least. I made no progress trying to push him off. I gasped stop finally and he pulled away and said, “Take it like the slut you are.” I tried pulling away and he pinned me against the bed. Each hand holding a wrist above my head.
I tried kicking, but he had sat on top of me in a way that it didn’t effect him. He shoved his tongue down my throat as I continue to thrash. I kept on fighting until I was exhausted. As I laid there too tired to do anything he ripped open my button down shirt. He put his hand over my mouth has I tried shouting. No one was in the house, so I don’t know why I contiued to scream.
I finally knew what was going to happen. I saw that all this was a mistake and I regretted every part of it. Next thing I know my shorts were off and across the room. He got over my face and made me take him. I had no choice, no matter what people say. I guess he decided he had enough of that and moved down. As he had started to pull my underwear off to the side I heard the front door open and I screamed.
I slapped him and hurrily put my shorts on and ran out the door. The worst part of that night was that it wasn’t quite over…
I want to matter to the world. I want to be helpful, to be useful. Ghandi says, “Whatever you do in life will be insignificant, but it’s very important that you do it.” I want it to be significant, I want it to matter to many people. I could stop a seriel killer, find a cure to cancer, save millions of lives, or help someone save them from themselves. I just want to find my place and it’s not here. I have to get away, I have to grow up and figure life out. This may sound ridiculous, but this thought is what always comes back to me. I will find my place in this world, and I will matter to the world.
These rumors are a terrible thing. He has done this in the past, not to me, but to others. She is also known to lie. Just none of it adds up. Every Thursday night for two months…just it doesn’t seem right. He always tells the significant other if he does cheat on them. He would’ve at least told me before he left. I trust him, he’s not here to defend himself. It wouldn’t be fair to him if I accused him, and I trust him enough to not believe any of this. She’s known for stirring up drama and I feel like she’s doing it again. He’s also writing her from boot camp, but he’s already wrote me six or seven letters. The things he says to me makes the rumors seem even less true. I just don’t know what to think, what to do. I’m going to ignore them, that’s about all I can do at this time.
The fear of that night comes to me randomly through out the days. Sometimes it’ll be in the middle of me helping a customer. At times it is at night when I’m lying in bed. Other times it comes I see people that surround me do certain things. Every time this fear comes to me I stop cold in my tracks. My thoughts always race through that night. My body locks up, and the you can see the fear in my eyes. My chest begins to tighten and my stomach clenches up. I feel the tears well up and my lip start to tremor. That first night, was the beginning of a long road ahead. A road that changed my life forever and who I would turn out to be. I imagine you’re all wondering about this night that I’m speaking of. I might as well start at the beginning of this terrible memory and fill you in.
I had been dating Joel for about a month now, give or take a little. I had finally given in to him. He had been asking for months and I just wasn’t intrested in a relationship. I felt terrible for continuly turning him down though. We were best friend for a couple months before we started dating. He was fun to be around, minus his anger issues. That should’ve been a red flag right there. When we had began dating, I had not done anything with a guy. Joel was my first ‘real’ kiss even. Let’s go back to the night though.
` We were over at his house, which we always were. I don’t like people seeing my house, I know it is strange. Anyways, we were in the kitchen just talking together. His family had gone off to bed just a few minutes before everything happened. We had continued talking for awhile until it led into kissing. The kissing got more rough the longer it continued. It wasn’t the sweet pecks that I was use to, it was much more aggressive. He was shoving his tongue down my throat and I tried to resist. I kept pushing against his chest until he finally pulled away for air. “Joel, slow down there.” “I’m sorry baby, guess I got carried away.”
He hugged me tightly and everything was back to normal. It was time for me to leave though, I didn’t feel like getting yelled at by Mom. “I have to leave Joel before it gets any later.”
“Just stay a little longer, please.” He begged me to stay. “
“I have to go, but I’ll be here in the morning. Okay?” I said as I started to walk out of the kitchen. I had taken a step or two and he grabbed my wrist and drug me towards him. I tried to pull my wrist away, but he tightened his grip. I could feel it continue gripping harder. As I went to tell him that it was hurting he started kissing me.
This was more aggressive than earlier, I started to push against his chest and said stop anytime I had the chance. I felt his hands go up my shirt, I tried to pull away, but he was stronger than I was. He now had one hand around my back and the other under my bra. He was pushing his tongue into my mouth and I fought it pushing it back out. Fondling isn’t the word to say that he was doing. He was grabbing me to the extent of actual pain. As I shoved, I finally got a scream out. The moment it left my mouth is the moment his hand met my face.
“Shut the fuck up. Do you really want my parents to wake up? They’ll just get mad at both of us. So, don’t you fucking scream again, unless you want to get slapped again,” he harshly said. I cradled my cheek where he slapped me. I felt the tear roll down my cheek. He wrapped his arm back around and forced my body to be close to his. His other hand grabbed the back of my head and forced my lips onto his. I continued trying to fight, but I didn’t dare let another scream escape. His hands moved down to my hips as his fingers fumbled with the band of my jeans. I continued to struggle against him, but it was no use. He was stronger then me.
“I just love you baby,” he mumbled as his lips moved to my neck. Biting as I felt the bruises already forming. I had given up and given in. He unbuttoned my jeans and slid them down. I was afraid to fight back and knew I couldn’t stop it. I must’ve done something to deserve this. His hand was forcefully playing with me. It hurt and I wanted nothing then for it to end.
He finished what he wanted and was content I suppouse. He gave me a peck and told me he loved me. I left his house feeling dirty and worthless. I never had any of that done, I couldn’t stand the way I felt. A part of me was gone, I had done nothing to give it away There was something I did to cause this or I could’ve prevented it. He loves me though, maybe I just didn’t make it clear enough. I had hundreds of thoughts racing through my head, but none of the comforted me.
I got home and looked in the mirror. I already had bruises starting to form on my neck, chest, my hips, and my wrist had a prominent bruise. That wasn’t even the worst thing. of the night. He texted me after I had gotten home and just kept giving me negative comments about my body and myself. As if I didn’t feel worst enough, now I felt terrible about my body. I cried myself to sleep that night, which was the first of many to come.
I am no writer and this is not written well at all. It sounds a little all over the place, I apologize about that. Everything in this is true, this isn’t even that terrible I guess. This was just the start, I have so many more, worst than this I need to get out. But, I thought I should start from the beginning.
So, I have had a lot happen in the past including physical & verbal abuse, along with sexual abuse. I’ve almost gotten raped and the usual. Among all that chaos of terrible events, there have been positive things. On this blog I will probably write about most of the negative things, but there will be some of the good. If you care about my life really just read along and follow me. If you don’t care though, you don’t have to follow. Either way I will continue writing for myself more than anyone.
